October...

[dustinprewitt]

October... it always gets to me...

The fall... the month to fall in love...

so beautifuly grey, so cool and humid... when the nights are early, where the stars are brightest at night....

I remember, October, the month to be in love, back when I was in love with Tracy, with Tina, and so on...

But what happens? They always disappear... its not so bad, except that they never give reason... they just fade away... stop returning calls, stop answering, refusing to at least give a reason... I begin to wonder, am I really such a horrible, terrible person... am I really the homicidal "psycho" stalker person... yes sure, I am many things to many people, and I am what circumstances demand of me... but is it so impossible to believe that I can be a caring, attractive person? Is my affection really that repulsive?

"Love kills a demon"... and no one loves me... when no one believes in you, its hard to be a better person, to improve... or... you tend to gravitate towards what people believe/encourage you to be (subconsciously or no)... blah... nostalgia... I love it... I hate it...

But I remember October, I remember what it was like to be in love and be loved, to have someone walk side by side with their head on my shoulder, under an umbrella, to sit outside the house in the driveway at dusk, watch the crows gather and scatter, keeping each other warm... to be able to talk to someone about music and comics and have that person know what you're talking about and actualy care, to feel young again, to feel safe and secure, to feel confident that someone trusts you so much.... its fading away a little bit each time, but I still remember... I just wish I (still) had someone to help me not to forget... to remind me from time to time...

(I feel like) I am (becoming) a monster...

Comments

[tucelts.livejournal.com]

maybe its just the way you look at it. I mean, October... it's a time of change... not only for the season (obvious), but for yourself as well. A time to go inward... sure, a time to reflect on your life... we all do it.. but to really take a look and decide on your path and choices... with the coming winter (ugh) you really need to find some kind of comfort in your solitude... also look for those who are close who care... they're always there, even if you dont see them at first.