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April 2017

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dustinprewitt: (cardassia)
Two years ago today, Lesa Baumgardner was murdered. Today, I drove down to Parkville, against my better judgement. The AC unit was stolen out of my car, so every car trip is a sweltering inconvience. Money is severly lacking, and I probably should not have spent the gas. But I owed it to her. I owed something to her. Things need to have meaning, need to have some sort of sacrifice to make them have value. Id love to "move on", and dont think that I havnt tried. Unfortuantly, Ive found that there is nothing to "move on" to. All rooms are full. No vacancy. You cannot walk here. Im just stuck here, with no other harbor or port. This is home.

Friday, some lone nutjob kid gunned down 17 people in a movie theatre. A year ago, a lone nutjob gunned down some kids in Norway.

Nothing ever changes, and america would have it no other way. It is the price they pay for having the privilidge of goin' down yonder to the shooting range, and firing off rounds. Therefore, it is my opinion that those that do forfeit the right to fill saddened by these tragic events. No returns. No refunds. All sales final. And certainly, no haggeling.

Sadly, where a rational mind would ask what the hell is the problem here, how are these firearms so easily distributed, why is it so easy to get one, and what can I do to resolve this problem, everyone is ME ME ME. "What about MY right to own and fire weapons?!?!?" "People are going to get them anyway, so why bother? Let's just make it as easy as possible for EVERYONE to have a gun, so we can have shoot-outs, just like in the wild wild west! That way, everyone stays safe!"

I also find it personaly sad, that all these socialy progressive types with their anti-war, pro gay, Beatles music, not just defending easily accessable weapons, but ENCOURAGING it? A Beatels fan enjoying a gun is like an Athiest enjoying the bible. I just dont get it.

No, i just dont get it anymore. And I dont want to. I dont want any part of it. The price is too goddamned high, and Im leaving it on the shelf. Let the kids have their goddamned guns. Fine, whatever. The same thing will happen next year. Another 16 or so random strangers will die. Everyone will bitch and whine and fight about it, but nothing will change. The is the state of things that we deserve, and who am I to deny what people have earned? No, I will just continue to observe them making the same mistakes over and over again, and not learning a goddamned thing. And I will continue to hate them for it. Etc, Etc.

All I have left to say, is that zombies are not real. Movies, music, literature, and games are works of fiction- reflections of reality and not reality to be reflected. And guns are not toys. They are instruments of death and destruction, that require the upmost responsiblity and control. That is what they are designed to do. That is why they are built. There is nothing else that guns are capable of doing. NOTHING.

And you will never change my mind. Comprimise is not possible.

You can keep your guns. Count me out.
dustinprewitt: (Default)
She would have been 37 today.

The original plan was to drive down to her gravesite, with some of her friends who havnt been to see her yet. No one could (or wanted?) to go. Hope she isnt too lonely out there.

With my car, and finances, being what they are, its probably for the best that I not drive down there this year. I already went last year, and my engine temperature has been running a little high lately.

So today, Im still taking the day off, and using it to try and fix things up around my place. Its, fitting, I think. I remember the times and days when she would set her mind on getting things done in her sphere of influence, and I think she would appreciate being able to motivate people to do the same.
dustinprewitt: (Default)
It was a year ago yesterday...

It was a hot night. I was driving down to the record bar for a friend's MS fundraiser. I decided to take the long way. I needed the night drive to clear my head. I was still in quite an angry, aggrivated state over the whole Erik seeing Lesa thing.

Being somewhat bored and alone at the event, I spent the night there surfing facebook on my android. Then I saw a vauge post from a friend refering to a friend as "E" who had died. Curious.... so I messaged the person to see if it was anyone I knew. Then they replied and told me it was Erik. I was taken quite aback. it was a bit of a shock. Not a devestating shock, but still a shock. I then told the person how we had a falling out, and my condolences, etc. And then she mentioned something about "and if this is the same girl that was found with him, then I am truely sorry." WHAT?!?

So I did the only logical thing, which was to run out into the parking lot, call the person, and fly into hysterics. Was is Lesa? What happened? Was she ok? She didnt have any details, just that police mentioned a 35 year old female with him found dead, and was looking for another Eric for questioning for ID. She was planning on moving in with said person named Eric. At that point, things started getting worse. I so desperately wanted to call her at least, at most drive down to her place myself. But I was still mad at her. And stubborn. I was also afraid that she might still be mad at me, and would take violent offence to interfereing with her. And, a part of me, was also afraid that if I did find her alive, that I may get violent with her, over the stress that was caused. So I called all the people I thought of, who could help. Two friends were out of town. One wasnt available. So I went down to Daveys, one of her, our, favorite places. thankfully, Michelle the bartender was there. I ran in, and explained to her what was going on. My phone was going dead, so I wasnt able to call anyone else... We tried surfing the web, calling contacts in the KC news. Then, Erik's Ex girlfriend called. She was in quite a state. And she was also mentioning the same things Ive heard- found dead with a 35 year old girl, matching Lesa's description. I called the friend she was planning on moving in with, but, Im sorry to say, that I was still in too much of a paniced and frantic state to say anything coherant or polite, which is something I do regret given the circumstances.

Not being able to take the waiting any longer, I knew at that point, I had to find out for myself... to see it for myself. I promised Michelle that I would not do anything drastic, and would come right back to daveys and call her when I got there. The 1st place I stopped was the BBQ place I knew she was working at, which was expectedly closed at that hour. I then checked the bar next door, to see if she was there, which she was not. I then drove down to her house in Parkville. It was the longest drive in my life, and the most frightening. I knocked on the door, loudly, to see if she was home. The door was unlocked, so, I went in. It was the first time I had actualy been inside her house. The place was a wreck. Unpacked boxes, cloaths scattered everywhere, her phone and DL still there, books stacked up in dissaray. Her cat was there, hissing in the corner, and out of food. And no Lesa. It was.... it was like finaly coming to face with this worst case scenario. That this was really happening. It was like chapter 6 in Watchmen, where Roarsarch, searching for the kidnapped girl, walks into the abandoned warehouse, to discover that the girl was already killed, fed to dogs, and that there was no ransom... where he finaly snaps. It was the ultimate facing of the sum of my fears. It was.... so heartbreaking, and terrifying. I made sure to fill up the cat's food and water. And left everything else as I found it. And went back to daveys. Michelle wasnt there, but some of Lesa's friends were, including one that worked for the local KC news station. And.... confirmed what everything was leading up to. Lesa Baumgardner was killed. Investigations still pending as to the circumstances...

There was no note, which left only speculation. Was this some mutual crap they had planned? I knew Lesa was not in the best of emotional states at the time, what with her grandmother passing away literaly days ago. And Erik, I had learned, was on all sorts of anti-depressants, and, as I had recently discovered, had a problem with chronic lieing. I started even panicing.... that could have been ME dead... but then... no... it doesnt make any sense. The Lesa I knew was far too tenacious, stubborn, and proud to ever kill herself. Nor would she allow anyone else to kill themselves, or her. I think I only slept a total of 3 hours that night. I called in to work. In the state I was in, I just couldnt deal with it. I was crying off and on, more than I have in probably my whole life. I was feeling sick, neausous, etc etc.

The next day, I met with friends to talk about it at Mama's 39th St Diner. Later that evening, I opened my place up for visitors. I knew, that in the state I was in, I NEEDED company. not wanted, but NEEDED. Translated- I had to swallow my pride, and admit that I needed help to cope with this, to let people in. And in they came. I was so humbled, flattered, and honoured by the outpouring of condolences and support. It didnt feel condenscending, and I didnt feel like I was pandering or fishing for any sympathy. This was an honest outpouring. And they were her friends too, many of them. It showed how well-loved she was in the city, in the community. And even long distance friends, who I didnt always keep in contact with, sent their condolences. I just didnt know what to say... other than being so thankful and speachless at the support.

It wasnt all positive though. There were some negative troll emails sent by anonmouys individuals. Especialy one, who accused me of being a horrible insensitive person responsible for there... recieved while at work. I called a friend at wichita... and.... that's when I finaly broke down. In the middle of work. I just couldnt stop crying. I couldnt stop saying... over and over again... 'she didnt have to die.' I could have loved her. Yes, if we did have a relationship, it might not have been the most healthy of relationships, but it sure as hell wouldnt have been lethal. And why did Erik have to kill her? Maybe I could have been a better friend and more supportive. And if he had problems, why did he have to drag her down with him?

The worst part of all, was the fact that she died, thinking I hated her. Because she was hanging out with the person who would be her murderer. Ill never forgive myself for that.

At that point, I just couldnt function. I request a week off from work under the circumstances, and quite generously, they gave it to me, no further questions asked. I honestly couldnt eat, couldnt concentrate. I knew then also, that it was time to go back on anti-depressants. They did help.

Things really didnt quite seem to be over, until I was able to view the body at the funeral. It was in Humansville/Boliver, her hometown, a small pitstop off the state highway in rural missouri. They put her in one of her favorite dresses. They even had a small beanie baby kitten there with her, that looked just like hers. And she had what looked like a smirk on her face. That little smirk of hers I always found so adorable. It was beautiful. Just, beautiful. And then the family came in, which was awkward, given that I was the only person from outside the family who managed to make the trip. So there I was, everyone gathering and staring at me like I was an alient from another planet, placed in the uncomfortable position of trying to explain what happened, when I didnt know all the details, but still knew more than anyone there did. I did what I could to represent everyone in KCMO. It was a grand ceremony (even if she might have disagreed with the music selection, lol). She was buried next to her mother, father, and grandparents. And that was that. Erik's ceremony was friday, but, given the circumstances, the family wanted it a private ceremony. For the best, I suppose.

It would still take months before I was completely "over it." One might say that I never will be. And I suppose I would answer, that the day that I get over it, is the day that I will have a problem being human. Throughout the years there would be speculation, mourning, talk, confessions, regrets, memberances, fond annecdotes, bonding, etc. I was told that she was shot in the back, and he shot himself in the head. And, much to my.... sadness... it wasnt a quick death for her. There are only two scenarios that make any sense to me. 1). Erik, haivng one of his fits, called her and threatened to kill himself if she didnt come over. She then would have thrown a fit, trashed her place in anger, then would have drove down to his place, to either call his bluff or talk him out of it, and would have failed. 2.) They went back to his place after drinks. She was running hot and cold (as she would be want to do after a few long island ice teas), and he just got frustrated with her, and shot her dead. Either way, it still brings no satisfaction. What's done is done, and cannot be undone.

A few months ago, I went in to the BBQ place she worked at when she was killed. The topic casualy came up. They mentioned how saddened they were to hear the news, how much they enjoyed her company, and how they mentioned a sketchy person that kept walking in on her while working, harassing her, and not leaving her alone. Which, I can conclude, could only be Erik.

On her birthday, I drove down to her gravesite. Because, I just had to see her tombstone. It was as hot that day as it was the last time I was there. And it was such a beautiful sight. Peaceful, tranquil, with pleanty of flowers, so I know it was being tended after. And I talk with her, for the 1st time since that day last year, when I left flowers at her house, and sobbed for forgiveness. But in a way, I felt that, seeing her tombstone, and seeing it looked after, brought a sense of clousre to it all. Like, I really could get on with life and living (not for lack of trying, of course). Now, that Im out of the job I was at for 8 years, in many ways, it does feel like life is radicaly different than it was a year ago.

But anyway, its over. Ill never forget her. She was the cleverest, quirkiest, most beautiful, well dressed, well cultured, most musicaly tasteful and artistic person I had ever met. And just had all the qualities that... just made me fall in love with it. I made the decision to fall in love with her. And, as cliche'd as it may seem, Id do it all again. But... I just wish I was strong enough to be a better person for her... a better friend. Because if I was, I cant help but feel she would still be alive.

But, as I said as I left the graveyard... Its time for me to go.

Goodbye Lesa.

I miss you

I love you.

dustinprewitt: (falling)
it was a night, like tonight, about a year ago.

Lesa was out of gas, stranded on the highway. I went out to bail her out. it was about 2 in the morning. The fog was thick. could hardly see anything. But the weather was so cool, so comfortable, it was like fall again... such a beautiful evening, such a fond memory... almost like being in a dreamstate, then just as it is now...

I suppose Ill now always associate late night february fogs with her. Like so many other things....

I still miss her. Even if she did get under my skin.

dustinprewitt: (Default)
"I'm going to go into the fir trees
There where I last saw her
But the evening is throwing a cloth upon the land
and upon the ways behind the edge of the forest
And the forest it is so black and empty
Woe is me, oh woe
And the birds will sing no more

Without you I cannot be
Without you
With you I am alone too
Without you
Without you I count the hours without you
With you the seconds stand still
They aren't worth it

On the branches in the ditches
it's now silent and without life
And breathing becomes oh so hard for me
Woe is me, oh woe
And the birds will sing no more

Without you I cannot be
Without you
With you I am alone too
Without you
Without you I count the hours without you
With you the seconds stand still
They aren't worth it without you

dustinprewitt: (Default)
That winter, was intolerably cruel, in more ways that one, really. Starting with christmas, there was almost constant freezing temperatures and snow and ice. ESPECIALY on christmas, with a monster blizzard that stole christmas day. And with her living in Parkville, and Parkville being remote and filled with winding, narrow roads not condusive to wintertime driving (and poor city planning when it comes to winter weather), she wasnt in a position to come out often. But I sure heard about her though...

I would often hear stories, rumours, about how she would go home with whoever, sleep with just about everyone in the bar... and even going so far as to being told that she was having some three-way with two mutual friends. And I hated hearing that. Because it was so contradictory to the person that I knew. A shy, insecure person who didnt want to be emotionaly attached to anyone. But at the same time, I was so horribly terrified that if it really was true, then I, the only person who really seemed to understand and care about her, was not only wrong, but the only person she has REFUSED to sleep with. Either way, I hated hearing everything. And I hated thinking/feeling, correctly or otherwise, that I was being laughed at behind my back because of it, the butt of everyone's jokes. Or if they were deliberatly lieing to me, in order to drive a wedge between us.

Anyway, I did see her shortly after christmas. I got her a Camille Rose Garcia book for christmas, along with a collection of compliation CDs that Ive burned before she moved here. It may have been a bit much, but she seemed to enjoy it.

She didnt always answer her phone, and slowly, I was getting used to it. But she would often say that she was busy either working, or trying to get the heat working in her house. She did take a bit of pride in her stubborn insistance to figure it out herself... I remember one time she proudly remarked that when she wanted a warm bath, she went so far as to warm up pots of water on her stove then fill the bathtub with them. I always got a kick out of that, and found that story indicitave of the traits I found so charming about her. Even if she did end up missing out on a night of hanging out due to falling asleep in the tub, lol

One notable evening, was in late janurary. Purely on accident, I ran into her at the sidecar, dancing away. I was a bit unprepaired, but nonetheless glad to see her.

It was an 80s type dance night. She was dancing away and haivng a good time. Lol, she even found a torn up business card of a psychologist in the women's bathroom, and insisted on taking a picture of it

We really did have a good time that night. And, finaly, in the moment of it all, I was finaly able to tell her how I felt. Not the whole creepy gushing "Im madly deeply obcessively in love with you and I want you to have my babies", but I told her that I was very smitten and taken with her. And this time, she seemed sober and coherant enough to be able to properly take it all in. She didnt seem too shocked or uncomfortable about it, but she mentioned that she didnt want a boyfriend, and I said that I knew, understood, and respected that. And then she said that I was a good person, and thought of me as a kindrid spirit...

Now... its not as if she said that she loved me, that I completed her, etc. But still, kindrid spirit... it did make me, at the time, feel so happy, so loved and appreciated/validated at that moment. Like I finaly got that off my chest, that she finaly knew how I felt. And she recognized that we are the same in many ways, that we are alike. And I could agree with what she said... that I could say that I thought she was a kindrid spirit too. And in a way, it completed me, and validated me. It really was a grand night.

It wasnt all peaches and cream though. One night, which was one of the worst... it was closing time at Davey's and she was drunk again... disoriented, dancing around and falling over herself. She was clearly in no condition to drive home. And I felt really bad to see her like this. I told her it was time to go, and that she needed a ride home. She just looked at me, with this cold, viscious, cruel look in her face, and sneared "are YOU confused?". And I was hurt. Maybe more of how she said it than what she said. But I could sense what she was trying to say... that she thought I only wanted to take her home so I could fuck her in her inebriated state, just like any other random vulture would have done. And standing right there next to me, with an amused grin on his face, was Erik Snow, the person who would eventualy kill her. I hated being the source of amusement for him, and I hated the fact that she thought so little of me... like I was only interested in her because she was easy, and she didnt think I was good enough, thus making fun of my concern and turning it into an offensive thing to her. And she still refused to leave the bar. At that point, I was so angry and embarrassed and hurt, I just stormed out. I sat in the car for at least 5 or 10 minutes, debating on wether or not I should go back in. But then, I figured, I had my pride. I didnt deserve to be treated like that, and she was 35 years old. She was a big girl, and could take care of herself. And if she couldnt get home because she was too irresponsible to control her drinking and hold her liquor, she deserved whatever fate she got. And I went home. Thankfully, the bar owner made sure she got home safe.

Yes, I was mad. But I honestly couldnt stay mad for long. I was worried about her, and made sure that she did get home.

A notable night, was late night, sometime in early february. It was relatively warm for that time of year. And it was completely foggy out. I was a little sick due to some throat allergy problems. And then I recieved a call from her, saying she ran out of gas and needed help. I didnt feel like I was being taken advantage of, and it wasnt entirely inconvient, and, yes, I still cared for her even after all that. So off I went. It was a beautiful night, really. Lovely fog. Not freezing. And there she was, standing far from the car because she was afraid of a cop finding her without auto insurance. I gave her the Coil CD she left in my car from earlier, and drove her to the gas station and back. While there, I reminded her of what happened that night, and how she hurt my feelings. Not in an accusational way, but in an honest and upfront way. She didnt seem to remember (or chose not to remember, or remembered and lied about it not to start anything). Regardless, she apologized in her own way. She invited me for a coffee, but given that at that point it was 3am and I had work the next day, I had to turn her down.

I was always feeling guilty of not being able to keep up with her party-energy... Either due to me being reserved me, or me having to work the next day, or my general anxiety consuming all my energy, or being too worried about her going to far and thus focusing on babysitting her instead of having fun with her.

Then, one night in late February, I give her a call, and she mentions that she's not going to be able to hang out for the next week, and wanted to go to the Gusto Lounge for a little bit. I take her up on her offer, despite it being a work night, but given the fact that I loved every moment I could spend with her, and wanted to see her before she got too busy. I got there, and waited almost 30 minutes. At that point, it was getting late and I was getting impatient. So I called her to see where she was at. She answered "Oh, Im at the newsroom." The newsroom was a few blocks down the road. "Oh. great. Im glad you decided to tell me eventualy." I replied, emphasising my annoyance and her blowing me off so irresponsibly. She said she was planning on stopping there for a short while, but then someone bought her a drink, and she was, by her own admission, too shy and anxious to decline the request at the risk of offending the said person. I was very much annoyed, but, being a shy and anxious person myself, I could understand. I told her I just wish she would have told me so I wouldnt be waiting by myself for 1/2 an hour waiting for her to show up, if she was going to show up at all. At that point, I was too tired and cranky and mad to enjoy the evening, so I went home. But, I sent her a message. "I didnt go out tonight to go to the Gusto, or have a drink, or even listen to the music. I went out becuase I wanted to see you." I knew she probably wouldnt read it. She never was much of a text message person.

After that. I didnt hear from her for almost a month. Would call or return calls. I wouldnt see her out anywhere. It was a bad time. It reminded me of another time in my life, when another person I felt much affection for disappered off the grid. As before, not only did I feel abandoned, but I had no idea what happened to her. Did I offend her? Was she sick? Did she get into a wreck? Did she move? Was she dead? I was constantly worried, and also, developed a sense of self-loathing. I hated worrying so much and not being able to do anything about it, and I hated feeling ignored. I was compelled to call her every day, constantly, untill I got an answer. But I did not... I didnt want to come off as compulsive, obcessive, stalkerish, posessive. And, as before, I had my pride too. I didnt want it to look or feel like I was dependant on her.

And, almost one month to the date. In she walked into daveys, like nothing happened. I was alternately relieved, and angry... I didnt know if I wanted to hug her or choke her. Eventualy, I got up enough nerve to go up to her, and say it was good to see her again, ask her where she was, that I was worried about her, and why she didnt answer her calls. She mentioned she was in a depression, was busy, was getting hired and fired from a succession of jobs, etc. I replied I understood the feeling... and that if she was ever feeling depressed, she could rely on me to cheer her up. I even told her Id go to her bedroom window, with a boombox, like in that one John Cusack movie, playing Throbbing Gristle or Coil really loud, lol.

But that was the winter months. A very cold, depressing, draining, and trying month for my emotions and feelings for her. But of course, as the old stereotype goes, if I could, Id do it all again. But maybe, Id do it right this time...
Jan. 9th, 2011 09:08 pm


dustinprewitt: (Default)
Geeze. What a year.

Needless to say, this year has been consumed by the life and death of Lesa Baumgardner. Of which Ive been writing about, and will continue to write about in later posts. So, for this one, Ill focus on the events of the year not directly involving her.

The year started with a winter that made the 9th Circle of Hell look like Miami Beach. Record-breaking cold temperatures, and constant snow and ice. That, and combined with other frustrations, resulted in a time of total frustration and depression. But, on the plus side, there was the Winter Olympics, so I did have a bit of Olympic Fever to keep me warm. Even if the sports wernt very varied. And I also got to see A Place to Bury Strangers in Lawrence

Spring came, and with it came some grand events. Stone Temple Pilots, Psychedelic Furs, and Public Image Ltd. brought some good shows. And I was asked to DJ for the VNV Nation show in lawrence, which was one of the great accomplishments of my life. It was a total thrill to be a part of a major show, to meet celebs, and be able to pull my weight and contribute to a great and fun evening. Then end of the month I found my car busted into, and just about everything taken out of it, with or without value, replaceable and irreplaceable. Wasnt happy about that at all, and it was expensive and cumbersome to fix, but it did give me an excuse to get a superiour CD player, so alls well that ends well, I guess...

And then there was the week I spent in New York. Aside from the grueling miles put on my feet, it really was a grand time, being able to take in the sights and sounds of the big apple, complete with absolutely perfect weather, and even meeting friends new and old there too. I cant think of a single thing that went wrong with that week.

There were other deaths in the past spring. One tragic (a friend of a friend dieing in her sleep in her 30s, leaving her 5 year old kid), others not as much (an alleged asshole dieing of a drug overdose). I wasnt too close to either of them, so I cant say that I was too affected... but then again, I had no way of being able to foresee what was to come later in the year...

Summer though.... In june I had a bit of a heart attack scare... one of those things that you sense, start panicing, and then the panic self-perpetuates. Fortunatly, it was only a case of heartburn, which left me feeling somewhat foolish. But on the other hand, id rather be a living fool, than dead with my pride.

And then there was Lesa's murder. Which came during a hot spell. It was really a horrible, horrible time. So much grief, anger, self-loathing, paranoia, depression, etc. With one or two minor exceptions, everyone really did come through for me. I really did realize just how good of friends I have... even if they're not there every day, even if more often than not they're too busy, or if they dont always reply. I really was honored, humbled and etc... Of course there could be endless debates as to wether or not I deserved their kindness and sympathies (I know I have them every day with myself). But without them, things could have certainly been worse.

With these events, I knew it was going to be in my best interest to put myself back on anti-depressants. So it was xanax and paxil and wellbutrin, and now zoloft. It needed doing.

In august, I barely survived a potential dismemberment of my right hand, when my carjack gave out while changing a tire. No (noticably) permanant damage, and nothing more than a bruise and soreness afterwards. But it sure as hell was scarey, a frightening experience. Enough to get me to finaly subscribe to AAA.

That summer was also my 10 year high school reunion. Still in the shadow of Lesa's murder, I wasnt really in much of a celabratory mood. But it was good to see old and familiar faces, even though it was hot as hell that day, and I couldnt stay awake at all. And as thus, I couldnt cary on many conversations, nor come up with any sufficient lies as to what Ive been doing with my life for the past 10 years.

With her dead, as stereotypical as it all sounds, the rest of the year felt so... empty, so hollow. There was Primus and the pixies in the fall, and I got dragged into seeing this Deadmau5 fellow. And the Raveonettes put on an absolutely stunning free show. Still did my DJ thing... But even that began to feel hallow as well. With her gone, went my real reason for DJing in a way...

But, in better news, my good friends Bobby and Mary got married after a long and wonderful courtship. It really was just what the doctor ordered, really... something nice and wonderful to counter-act all the awefullness of the summer.

Everything just seemed to pass me by otherwise. The year ended with me and Seandice at a poor copy of the gong show at Record Bar, and a houseparty with friends, new and old.

As far as trends, I do know that the kids were all hot up about this "dubstep" thing. Cover bands seemed to get real big in Kansas City. Politics got even nastier, accumilating with a tragic shooting at the end of the year. The mad tea party seems to have slowly infected america, and, sadly, I do not see anything good or promising out of this, only things getting worse. And then there's the big HD blu-ray craze getting bigger (or, at least that's the impression that the studios want people to believe, anyway...)... personaly, I dont see the big deal, and I dont like it... but eh...

People seem to be leaving various old social websites in droves for facebook. In spite of the massive "facebook privacy scare", which really was much ado about nothing. Myspace is all but gone. And hardly anyone updates livejournal anymore with the exception of communities. Seems like blogspot has become the online journal of choice. But I will not, and probably will never, abandon livejournal. And yes, I am guilty of not updating livejournal like I used to... probably because its more convient and efficient to post my one-liner musings and links on facebook, via mobile, online, or etc. But I dont like the fact that it cannot seem to be archived, or easily referenced back on.

In KC, a large degree of public schools were shut down early in the year. If I had kids, Id find this a serious problem. But since I dont, its merely a concern. Who will keep the kids busy, and foster intellegence now? But eh, not my problem, at least not directly...

At work, the german overlords have installed their own CEO now... So Ive been given the "honour" of being "promoted" to salesman in addition to serviceperson... two jobs that are really contradictory in nature, given that as a serviceperson, I have to clean up the mistakes and fuckups and bullshitting of the salesperson. Not really thrilled about this at all, but the Xanax helps cope. It wasnt all bad though... technology got slimmer, faster, and smarter. Got to do a training assistance stint for a brief period. And they were nice enough to give me a week off during the summer to deal with my loss.

Last year, I stated that I simply did not know if 2010 would be better. Hindsight being 20/20, I so wish that I knew. I wish I knew all the things that were to happen. So I could warn her. So I could prepare myself. Cut myself off before it was too late. Change things. Do things differently.

Was this the worst year ever? Oddly enough, I cannot say that it is. Regardless of all the terrible things that happened, it still cannot take away all the great things. New York. VNV Nation. And all the great friends that I had that came through when needed. As opposed to, oh, say, 2003, where it was marked by sickness, nervous breakdowns, a sudden death of a relative, money trouble, and the betrayal by all the friends I thought I knew.

Will 2011 be better? Well, it certainly could not be worse. But something's got to give. Something good has to happen to me. Here's hoping I will have the strength and wisdom to find it, keep it, and make it happen.

In a way, I am SO thankful that this year is over. So I can finaly close a book. Turn a new page, set a new milestone. Say that its finaly over.

but, as one says, in the end, nothing ever does end....
dustinprewitt: (Default)
I had another dream about her.

I found out she was alive... this whole time. Like in some sort of soap opera or comic book type thing. She faked her own death, or something like that... I was ecstatic to see her again, and could barely contain myself... She wasnt sure why I was that way, and still kinda pissed at me... It turned out it wasnt so much that she was still alive, but it was I who had somehow become unstuck in time, and ended up just a few weeks before she was murdered. When I realized where and when I was, I started panicing, babbling nonsense, trying to forwarn her as to what was going to happen, begging her not to see the person who would eventualy kill her. I did all I could to keep her in Parkville. It seemed to have been working. And as she kept listening, I was finaly able to more throughly explain my feelings for her, and my feelings of regret, and try to make amends, solidify my status, etc... I didnt quite wake up at that point, the dream just kinda faded away without any real ending or resolution....

In some ways, it gave me some small measure of further closure. In others, it gave me more feelings of regret, or what could have been and should have been... And in either case, a further need, if not desperation, to "move on"....
Nov. 21st, 2010 06:16 pm

In Circles

dustinprewitt: (Default)
I was actualy intending to write this two weeks ago... that's procrastination for you I guess

Two weeks ago, I attended the wedding of [ profile] yogamary and Bobby. It really was a grand day for it. The weather was a perfect november day- not too cold, not too warm. The sun was out, as well as the colours of the fall. It was a great turnout, filled with friends and family from all corners of their life. It was a jewish ceremony, and I got to wear one of those yammicas (sp?). There was pleanty of humour mixed in with cermony (you know how those jews are about humour), which made it both fun and solomn. And I thought the rabbi did a good job of explaining the traditions and ritulas for the outsiders. And everyone was really happy. Genuine tears, genuine smiles. Being responsible for these two compatible people gave me somewhat of an accomplished feeling. I even had a brief spotlight on me, in having to explain to people how I was responsible for such. Twas a good time.

And, another thing that got me thinking...

The last time I was in a similiar circumstance, being surrounded by another person's family, and being placed in a position of having to explain myself to strangers, was at Lesa's funeral. Last summer... jeezus, I can now say last summer, its been so long. It still feels as if it was only last week. Or yesterday. Or even just a few hours ago sometimes... But anyway, I was her only friend from outside the family who showed up. The only one. Yes, a part of me resented that, even knowing that it was being held out in the-middle-of-nowhere, Missouri, and knowing how sudden everything was and how people couldnt find the way to get time off of work, or the emotional fortitude to attend. But still. I was the only person who made the sacrifices, whatever they may have been, to attend to her. And, being the only person from KC, let alone outside of the family, I was placed in role of being the outsider, and having to explain to everyone just what the hell happened.

Of course, this time, it was under far happier circumstances. This time, I knew and understood what happened, how these two were meant to be together and as a result will have many happy years ahead of them, as opposed to not knowing what happened, and how two people who should never have been involved with each other, destroyed each other, and cut their lifes far too short.

And yes, everyone will dispute this, contradict me, argue with me, etc. But a part of me cannot shake, and probably will never deny, the feeling that I was somehow responsible for all this.

BUT. Seeing these two get married, it did make me feel better. It reminded me that for every tragedy, there's a happy ending. For every death there's a life. For every despair, there's happiness. And I did feel a profound sense of closure about it all. Life goes on, Ill just have to do the best I can to catch up to it.

The next day, I decided to make the drive out to parkville, for the mini-golf course that Lesa and I always talked about going to when time and weather permitted, the one located just one block from where she lived... but... well... procrastination got the better of us, I guess. It was yet again another beautiful day for it, and downtown oldtown Parkville was absolutely stunning. Like some sort of victorian Virginia autumn. And the golf course was closed, which was odd given that their website said they were open. And given the state that the course was in, what with leaves building up in the holes, it looked to have been closed for quite some time. Once again, procrastination got the better of me. I intended to go there in august or september, but, well, I didnt want to go alone, and never could find anyone to go with. Probably for lack of trying, Im sure.

But. It was still a lovely day.

dustinprewitt: (Default)
Today, I was driving around on my way home from Independance. The shuffler on the ipod plays this song. And this song, really hit and hit hard where it did. And really sums everything up, far more eloquently and with much more beauty than I ever could.

Nobody ever warns her
or tells her what to do.
She walks away
and You're left to stay
Alone and forever blue.

The stars have all stopped shining
the sun just won't break through
Each day's the same
more clouds, more rain.
And You're left forever blue.

Forever blue because you love her
but she dosen't love you.
You did your best
life did the rest
and You're left forever blue

No reason left for living, but still there's alot to do
New tears to cry, old songs to sing
And feel forever blue.
And be forever blue

But nothing lasts forever...

dustinprewitt: (Default)
Theres too much to write about.... too many ideas to condence, string together, at the moment in the emotional state Im in........

Suffice to say, I was told that one of my better friends, Erik Snow, was found dead in his apartment. With a girl in mid 30s. Named Lisa. I flew into hysterics in the parking lot of the record bar when my friend kaileen told me. I started calling people to find out exactly what was happening. Not knowing where else to go, I went to daveys. I started searching the internet. Then, when I couldnt take the waiting and uncertainity anymore, I went off in search of her. I stopped by the place I understood she was working at. The place was closed. I drove down to parkview to her house. It was something I had to do. I had to confront my fears. I had to face the dark cave. The dragon's layer. The den of my worst fears. I had to see what I did not want to see. I needed to confirm what I did not wish to confirm.

The lights were out, and the door was unlocked. The place was a total mess... a pigsty. clothes strewn about. Her wallet was on her bed. her phone on her dresser with the battery out. Her cat was there... had water, but no food. I fed it. It was like walking in the shadow of the valley of death. The final stage of decay. Best thing I can relate too, is seeing my decaying and decripit and alzheimers-ridden grandmother, just days before she died.

I got back to daveys, as I promised all concerned parties I would.

The mutual friends there told me what I knew from the moment I connected the dots back at the record bar.

Lisa Baumgardner is dead. She was killed by Erik Snow, who then turned the gun on himself.
dustinprewitt: (cardassia)
Its been over one month since Ive heard from her. And more than that since Ive seen her. She isnt returning or answering my calls. In janurary, we were supposed to meet up at Gusto. It was a work night for me, but I still wanted to see her regardless. I get down there, wait for about 45 minutes or so, then get tired and start to head home for bed. I call her to see where she's at, and she says she's at the newsroom. So of course I get all pissed off and asking her if she was planning on telling me this at any point of the night. She says that she was getting all nervous about leaving the place (which, being a person with certain degrees of anxiety, I can understand, and tolerate to a certain degree). I do tell her that I am very annoyed, but I can forigve her for it, and that Ill talk to her later. I could have met up with her at the newsroom, but at that point I was tired and cranky. But I did send her a text letting her know that I didnt drive halfway across town for a drink, or for music, but to see her. A few days later, I call her to see what she's up to for the night. didnt answer, which I half expected what with work and all, but left a message. 2 or 3 days later, I let her know I was going to be DJing a saturday night by leaving a voicemail message. She didnt reply. She didnt show up. 2 or 3 days later I call her a again to let her know I was DJing monday. No answer, no reply, no show (but then again, nobody else showed up either.) 3 days later, I leave a voicemail asking her if she's ignoring me on purpose, or if she's just been too busy, or if Ive offended her, and that I did not believe that she was the kind of person to throw someone away upon being bored by them, or hold a grudged, and I asked her to clue me in. That was the last I spoke to her, and havent heard anything back. So its not like Ive been bombarding them with constant text messages, or calling her every five minutes. I know she seldom, if ever, reads SMS. I know she doesnt always check her voicemail. And I know she has a job and can be busy at times.

I dont know if she's been injured, dead, lost phone, evicted, or what. I do not like this, and this is not funny. So STFU about your little jokes and humourous observations.

The truth of the matter is, that I am quite in love with her. Yes, its somewhat difficult for me to say publicly, because admitting that you love someone, let alone telling her and everyone this, is one of the worst and most offensive things anyone can every to do another. And no, this isnt some stupid superficial schoolboy crush love at 1st sight bullshit. This is something that has developed over the past 5 months. And yes, I told her how I felt, and yes, (this time) she was sober enough to remember just what I was telling her, so she doesnt have the excuse of ignorance. And yes, I know how everyone thinks of her as nothing more than barfloor trash to be picked up and passed around for amusement purposes. But I see past that. What I see, is a spiritied, wonderful young lady. I love her style of dress. I love the way she dances. I love her vocal inflections and her odd sense of thought process. I love the fact that we can get excited about the same music and movies. I love the fact that she is more youthful and energetic than I can be. I love the way she talks to spiders and cats. I love the fact that she doesnt smoke, and isnt covered in ugly tattooes or piercings. And I can identify and sympathize with her anxiety issues and problems with depression. I respect her vulnerability (which is far more than what I can say about most of the people I see who know her.) And yes, I also recognize that there are things about her which do irritate me, such as her flighty nature, her problems with holding her liquor, and her tastes in cousine and obcession with "natural foods" doesnt really fit with my own tastes in such things. but differences are good things. It would be far too boring to have attachments to identical people. And I didnt even take strong notice of her, until she started talking to me. And yes, things have happened and said between us that arnt any concern of yours. And I hate the fact, that I dont believe that any of this has ever been taken seriously by anyone. All I seem to get in response, are annoyingly condenscending attempts at being parents. Or worse, viscious rumours and slander in what seems to be attempts to drive a wedge between me and her, likely to improve chances of other people connecting with her. I know what others have said to be about her (well, maybe not others, more like one person). And I know that, from what I know of her personaly, the rumours just dont add up.

So yes, the people, or specificialy person, who I would normaly trust for help and assistance in these matters, I cannot trust.

I dont want to be told to "forget her". I dont want to be told to "find someone else" or whatever else you feel the need to belittle me about, like Im stupid I dont know what Im doing. And I grow weary of the same old rehersed advice. I am far too tired of throwing people away, and ruining (potential) relationships by being unforgiving and wrathful over small things. Im tired of being bitter and resentful to people who seem to get everything by doing nothing. As far as I am concerned, I HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG. I have done everything right, and I do not want this to be the result. I want this fixed (or, replaced with something of equal or greater value.) I want her to talk to me again. I want her to know that regardless, I do miss her, I care for her, she is constantly on my mind, and I would like to know how being ignored, forgotten, etc. feels for me. I dont want her to throw me away, and I do not want to throw her away.

if you cant help me with that, then what good are you?

And if you must know, things like this happen far too frequently. for examply, I told a person that I loved them. They disappered soon after. Phone number shut off. for 2 years. 2 goddamned years. 2 years of not knowing what happened, free to let things be left to the imagination. Did I creep her out? did something happen to her? I find her by searching for her on myspace, and then she says "oh yes, I moved and changed my number". Like I couldnt be bothered to have been told about this. No letter, no online message. No forwarding information, nothing. And then of course other stories, about people who have moved to seattle, and couldnt even be bothered to reply with a message when I do run into them online.

so now you know. off to the gossip farm with you then. Have your fun and laughs and humours annecdotes. Im sure I deserve anything and everything I get. I must, because why else would I be recieving it?
dustinprewitt: (Default)
Love and devotion, in of itself, is an act of willfull ignorance.
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