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Apr. 6th, 2004 09:36 pm
Jim Baum is dead.
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dustinprewittMy grandad....
Its been coming for a while, so the shock isnt there... but the loss is. He was always one of my more favorite of relatives... blah... I dont even know what to write...
He died yesterday night. Just collapsed in front of the nurse at the masonic home. Just like that. No warning, no nothing...
Which is all for the best I suppose. Its better he went suddenly instead of me having to watch him die. I remember december of 2002 he had a bad stroke. Seeing him helpless, mumbling incoherantly, attached to wires, wanting so badly to be out of the place... in struck me..
DEEP...
And Im sure he would have wanted it this way anyway... he hated hospitals...
Funny that he died on the 10th anniversary of the suicide. Orginaly, I planned on writing on how the suicide seems to mean less to me now than it did in middle or high school...
But I suppose this is growing up...
They're having trouble finding his burial plot- He always wanted to be buried in his family plot, out of the middle of nowhere in Burden Kansas. Unfortunatly, the plot is so old, the local courts cannot find any burial records, so we dont know where to bury him, out of fear of bumping into someone else's grave...
Shit, Im not delerious in tears (then again, I havnt seen the corpse yet), but its hitting me hard. Harder than Im letting on, and harder than anyone can know (then again, I hate being this honest, I feel like Im groping for sympathy)
I hate feeling vulnerable.
I remember once he mentioned (Your cousin, he's your grandmother's grandson, but you, you're always going to be MY grandson"... so I can just assume that Ive always been his favorite, which doesnt make things any easier for me... now I feel guilty for not being good enough for him...
I last saw him Sunday. He was looking normal, looking over the new house that he was renting me through my mom, looking over the new carpet and the paint job... I was showing him this book I purchessed a while ago about Dr. Seuss' world war II editorial cartoons (WWII being a favorite subject of his)...
In a way, I do feel like I did get a chance to say goodbye... Ive been saying goodbye for the past year or so, ever since his stroke, now I can say that I am a bit releaved... now I dont have to worry about him anymore...
But I am going to miss him terribly
He's had it hard too... had to bury his father, his brother, his mother, and his son, in that order... in a way he's the last one left... He was a bit of a drinker and a smoker too, also having to put up with my mother/grandmother's well meaning nit-picking, which wasnt easy I can say from experience... but I suppose he went out the way that he wanted to...
And looking around at his tennants, all of them refering to him always as Mr. Baum, him donating land for a local park (off of 25th and Wellington for those in the wichita area), and a place to box for the local youth in the mexican district of town... he was and is a well respected member of the local community...
In a way, I have, and will, hope to live up to his stature, example, etc...
I hope that all made sense... somehow I dont think it did... its all disconnected... blah... Im not feeling well....
Funeral is at 10ish at his church, somewhere off of 21st and Wellington Pl if I remember right... in case any of you care...
And I thought a sloppy cable installation was the least of my problems last night... funny how life can change with but one phone call... (cliched of course, but none the less true)
Its been coming for a while, so the shock isnt there... but the loss is. He was always one of my more favorite of relatives... blah... I dont even know what to write...
He died yesterday night. Just collapsed in front of the nurse at the masonic home. Just like that. No warning, no nothing...
Which is all for the best I suppose. Its better he went suddenly instead of me having to watch him die. I remember december of 2002 he had a bad stroke. Seeing him helpless, mumbling incoherantly, attached to wires, wanting so badly to be out of the place... in struck me..
DEEP...
And Im sure he would have wanted it this way anyway... he hated hospitals...
Funny that he died on the 10th anniversary of the suicide. Orginaly, I planned on writing on how the suicide seems to mean less to me now than it did in middle or high school...
But I suppose this is growing up...
They're having trouble finding his burial plot- He always wanted to be buried in his family plot, out of the middle of nowhere in Burden Kansas. Unfortunatly, the plot is so old, the local courts cannot find any burial records, so we dont know where to bury him, out of fear of bumping into someone else's grave...
Shit, Im not delerious in tears (then again, I havnt seen the corpse yet), but its hitting me hard. Harder than Im letting on, and harder than anyone can know (then again, I hate being this honest, I feel like Im groping for sympathy)
I hate feeling vulnerable.
I remember once he mentioned (Your cousin, he's your grandmother's grandson, but you, you're always going to be MY grandson"... so I can just assume that Ive always been his favorite, which doesnt make things any easier for me... now I feel guilty for not being good enough for him...
I last saw him Sunday. He was looking normal, looking over the new house that he was renting me through my mom, looking over the new carpet and the paint job... I was showing him this book I purchessed a while ago about Dr. Seuss' world war II editorial cartoons (WWII being a favorite subject of his)...
In a way, I do feel like I did get a chance to say goodbye... Ive been saying goodbye for the past year or so, ever since his stroke, now I can say that I am a bit releaved... now I dont have to worry about him anymore...
But I am going to miss him terribly
He's had it hard too... had to bury his father, his brother, his mother, and his son, in that order... in a way he's the last one left... He was a bit of a drinker and a smoker too, also having to put up with my mother/grandmother's well meaning nit-picking, which wasnt easy I can say from experience... but I suppose he went out the way that he wanted to...
And looking around at his tennants, all of them refering to him always as Mr. Baum, him donating land for a local park (off of 25th and Wellington for those in the wichita area), and a place to box for the local youth in the mexican district of town... he was and is a well respected member of the local community...
In a way, I have, and will, hope to live up to his stature, example, etc...
I hope that all made sense... somehow I dont think it did... its all disconnected... blah... Im not feeling well....
Funeral is at 10ish at his church, somewhere off of 21st and Wellington Pl if I remember right... in case any of you care...
And I thought a sloppy cable installation was the least of my problems last night... funny how life can change with but one phone call... (cliched of course, but none the less true)
no subject
My grandmother died when I was 24. She raised me, and it nearly killed me to watch her die. She hung on for a long time, and seemed to be getting better each day, then she died in her sleep one sunny afternoon.
I wish you the best in the days and weeks ahead. hugs and kisses
no subject
I'm always around, so if you ever feel bored with nothing to do, just IM me.
.Cass.