Oct. 23rd, 2003 10:14 pm
Greg Baum is dead.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dustinprewittMy mother's brother. Dead at 42. More shocking than saddening I suppose. I never really was that close to him (then again, I am not really close with any members of my family.) Just shocking. My aunt found him dead in bed. dead. bed. that rhymes... Cause of death has not yet been determined. All signs point to bloodclot.
That is how another uncle (great-uncle) died back in c. 1984. Both were in the real estate business. Then my great-grandmother died in c. 1986. I am afraid now that my grandparents will die. Them I am closer to, and they both seem to be on death's door.
Its just shocking.
Survied by my aunt who is wheelchair bound due to a mystery illness, my cousins 22, who's been the closest thing to a brother to me (as close as brother's come by my standards anyway), 20, 17, and 12. TWELVE. Can you imagine loosing your father at age TWELVE? Then there is my grandmother, who has never been the most stable of sorts (my mom takes after her you can say...). My uncle has been attending to her bills, and to my grandfather's old property (real estate in the slums, or in the vernacular, a slumlord). But now he's dead, and a giant hole as been left.
I wasnt that close to him at all. But I still feel that giant gap. He was still close family And the shock, of it happening so suddenly. I never saw it coming...
At their house, it was very uncomfortable. A familiar setting, true. But most of the people there were from my aunt's family (a large catholic one at that.) Strangers all. It was like being at a giant party, filled with strangers, but having the guest of honour not show up. At first, people were going on, talking, sharing laughs, etc. And my aunt, alone in her room, crying etc. On one hand, it didnt seem right, people being happy with the loss. But then, it made sense. What better way to drown out the sorrow of loss, than being surrounded by love and loved ones in a time of need?
I begin to wonder about my dad. He is well, but not in the most perfect of health. I am afraid to admit, but I am afraid of loosing him... And my grandfather too... He has been very ill lately as well... One of my closer relatives... he seems to have understood and appreciated how suppressed my childhood was by my mother... etc...
I am afraid... I think my fear of familiar death results from early experiences. When my great-grandmother died, I was 7 or so. The reletives blamed me and the rest of the kids, for running around the house or etc... When I was 13 or so, my other great grandmother dies. I (individuly) was blamed... by my mother. I remember sitting on the bed crying, while she was standing there shouting at me, yelling that if I was there to do more chores around the house, her aorta would never have ruptured... Then there was my grandfather's (my dad's father) death. The wake was so horrible I do not want to recall it on a public forum...
But I suppose I shouldnt be too worried... they'll be hard pressed to pin the blame of this one on me...
I'm hurting... but its more the shock I guess... I do not know if I deserve to state its hurting do to the loss, only the shock of the loss... I do not know...
But I do know this... I am expecting a total lack of support. I should be used to it I suppose, I cannot say that I ever really had it in the past (or if I had, I had been regrettably and shamefuly ignorant of it). Maybe I am too paranoid to let people get closer than arms length... But then again, knowing me, would you WANT to get closer than arms length to me? But then again, Ive learned (the hard way) that it is illegal to issue the invitation. After all, its all lies anyway, everything I do, say, or feel...
Call me asshole, call me liar, call me trouble-maker, bullshit and slander all you want. Spread your goddamned mother fucking feces that fills your life with a pathetic meaning, you fucking cunt. But do it some other day. I dont want to hear it. I have grown-up matters to attend to, and you are not a grown-up matter, or even a grown up for that matter. You are a hobby.
My uncle is dead. And I feel guilty that I did not have a relationship with him. And I do not even know why I did not have one, or even why I feel like I should have had one...
If I needed to tell you my current mood, then I wouldnt be a very good writer, would I?
That is how another uncle (great-uncle) died back in c. 1984. Both were in the real estate business. Then my great-grandmother died in c. 1986. I am afraid now that my grandparents will die. Them I am closer to, and they both seem to be on death's door.
Its just shocking.
Survied by my aunt who is wheelchair bound due to a mystery illness, my cousins 22, who's been the closest thing to a brother to me (as close as brother's come by my standards anyway), 20, 17, and 12. TWELVE. Can you imagine loosing your father at age TWELVE? Then there is my grandmother, who has never been the most stable of sorts (my mom takes after her you can say...). My uncle has been attending to her bills, and to my grandfather's old property (real estate in the slums, or in the vernacular, a slumlord). But now he's dead, and a giant hole as been left.
I wasnt that close to him at all. But I still feel that giant gap. He was still close family And the shock, of it happening so suddenly. I never saw it coming...
At their house, it was very uncomfortable. A familiar setting, true. But most of the people there were from my aunt's family (a large catholic one at that.) Strangers all. It was like being at a giant party, filled with strangers, but having the guest of honour not show up. At first, people were going on, talking, sharing laughs, etc. And my aunt, alone in her room, crying etc. On one hand, it didnt seem right, people being happy with the loss. But then, it made sense. What better way to drown out the sorrow of loss, than being surrounded by love and loved ones in a time of need?
I begin to wonder about my dad. He is well, but not in the most perfect of health. I am afraid to admit, but I am afraid of loosing him... And my grandfather too... He has been very ill lately as well... One of my closer relatives... he seems to have understood and appreciated how suppressed my childhood was by my mother... etc...
I am afraid... I think my fear of familiar death results from early experiences. When my great-grandmother died, I was 7 or so. The reletives blamed me and the rest of the kids, for running around the house or etc... When I was 13 or so, my other great grandmother dies. I (individuly) was blamed... by my mother. I remember sitting on the bed crying, while she was standing there shouting at me, yelling that if I was there to do more chores around the house, her aorta would never have ruptured... Then there was my grandfather's (my dad's father) death. The wake was so horrible I do not want to recall it on a public forum...
But I suppose I shouldnt be too worried... they'll be hard pressed to pin the blame of this one on me...
I'm hurting... but its more the shock I guess... I do not know if I deserve to state its hurting do to the loss, only the shock of the loss... I do not know...
But I do know this... I am expecting a total lack of support. I should be used to it I suppose, I cannot say that I ever really had it in the past (or if I had, I had been regrettably and shamefuly ignorant of it). Maybe I am too paranoid to let people get closer than arms length... But then again, knowing me, would you WANT to get closer than arms length to me? But then again, Ive learned (the hard way) that it is illegal to issue the invitation. After all, its all lies anyway, everything I do, say, or feel...
Call me asshole, call me liar, call me trouble-maker, bullshit and slander all you want. Spread your goddamned mother fucking feces that fills your life with a pathetic meaning, you fucking cunt. But do it some other day. I dont want to hear it. I have grown-up matters to attend to, and you are not a grown-up matter, or even a grown up for that matter. You are a hobby.
My uncle is dead. And I feel guilty that I did not have a relationship with him. And I do not even know why I did not have one, or even why I feel like I should have had one...
If I needed to tell you my current mood, then I wouldnt be a very good writer, would I?