Back to Basics...

I remember, back in the day, things were less complicated. Yes, there were people who hated you, and there were the lies, but at least they were contained, and you knew where everybody stood... And, at least at the end of the day, you could go out, on the town, where it all didnt matter.


Back in my days of in-house arrest, outside social life seemed like such a great and wonderful thing to be envied, to be coveted. Lol... in those days of youth, my dream was even to be a squater...

But then, as I was liberated and finaly got to have a social life, the dream faded away... it was great at first, as all good relationships start out, but then became sour. Outside was not a great as I would have imagined it would be. So many disappointments, so many treacherous people, so many people who had abused investitures of trust...

Of course, there were ups and downs, and when it was good, it was the most wonderful thing in the world, and when it was bad, it was the most horrible thing... But now, it just seems like whenever I go out, I usualy spend time around people who I do not like or respect, and people who do not like or even care about, me. I hate them when I am around them, and I hate myself when I am around them. When I see the glances and the snickers, I do not know what they are spreading behind my back, and when I see the smiles and the handshakes, I cannot help but think about what is really on the inside. Seems like I always get second-handed opinions from people, "So and So thinks Such and Such about you but would never say it to your face." Are they bluffing? Probably. But I trust people more to be negative-honest to your face than to be positive-honest to your face.

And going out by myself? After all, if I let a little thing like that scare me off, Id never leave the house. But now, going out, seeing people, I hate myself... for not being able to enjoy crowds, for not being able to trust people enough to say hi without loathing myself for bothering them, coveting those who I do not know/have, and loathing for those I do know/have.... Its no longer fun to go out anymore... and Im not going to spend money/time around people who I cannot stand, and who cannot stand me (publicly or privately)

I am very sorry... I am sure that there are those out there who this all does not apply to, and I still love and appreciate all that you may have done for me or have done for me that I was not aware of, but I cannot spend life like this at the moment. Its time to go back to basics...

What I plan to do is significantly cut back on my public appearances, not going out unless I am specificaly invited, and I do not plan on proactivly inviting people out... if they desire my company they will ask for it, and if they do not, then they shall not.

I still plan on distributing information about events when I can... I still have my responsibilities to maintain. And I still plan on writing.

Its time to get back to basics. Work, Errands, the odd event or two, libraries, bookshops, music shops, the odd theatre/movie, maybe a trip to a bar once a month or so, and then home. Just like in the olden days, of my house arrest...

in restrospect, I think I was much happier then... things were more secure, and made more sense... At least this time, its my choice, instead of my imposition.

This is not a surrender, nor ultimately a retreat... this is a hiatus/regrouping...