a moment in clarity...

I remember a few weeks ago, I was talking with Val, about things that were bothering me about people, etc etc... when I had developed something of an ephinany...

I have always dreamed of making Wichita a cultural gem, doing what I could to promote and nurture my little neo-gothic industrial cultural scene, make this city a better place for the future generations, so they would not be as bored as I was in their age.

BUT

Is it possible? Granted it is an uphill battle, and some would say improbable... but impossible? Walking around the city, I begin to feel that it is on the verge of dieing... Once healthy business and blue-chip institutions have gone out of business. Once bustling places of commerce are now abandoned with a realitor's ad in place of a business sign. Shopping malls have almost a 1/3 vacancy rate. Of course, this has to do with the current economic theme of the days, but with Wichita, its even more so, since this town is so heavily tied to the airplane industry... and we all know how well THAT is doing... No jobs mean no money, no money means no spending, no spending means no demand for product, no demand for product means no production, no production means no demand for workforce, no demand for workfoce means no jobs, and the cycle continues... Just lately, one of those dastardly outbound telemarketing places for MCI just closed shop, increasing Wichita's number of unemployed by about 650. Not very good statistics... Depressions are not just nationwide things.... a nation as a whole may prosper, while its individual regions may suffer the brunt... just remember that the next time you vote this november... will you vote for a president too obcessed with his stupid family vendetta, or a president that actualy has a plan to curtail outsourcing, as well as some other plans for economic recovery?

But enough with that tangent...

Point 2. Yes, I want to make wichita a great place for the scene.... but who would I be making it a better place for? People like her? Or what about her? Certainly him, right? Or maybe her? People, who would march in, attempt to take credit in some sort of vain ego-boosting goal, attempt to dictate who may or may not participate, who blame others for their failure, and then complain how much this city sucks and there is nothing to do when in fact there is pleanty when one actualy manages to be content with what they have? Do I really want to work to make this city a better place, when the fruits of my labours stand to benefit ingrates and mal-contents? Do scabs, opportunists, and sowers of discord, and children really deserve a place like that? Why work hard for the opportunists? And yes, there are places to go, but is there variety? No. And I think that is why people think that there is nothing to do. Its not the lack of things to do, its the lack of variety, and people will be people, and get bored with what they have...

My time in DC... showed me that there are better places... places where, sure, there was shares of interpersonal conflict, but there was also enough space for it not to interfere with business and the public at large... places where there actualy are choices of places to go, things to do, places that are economicly healthy, where job security is not such a consuming issue, places where one doesnt have to worry about loyalty and support of their peers- it is expected and delivered.

Ive seriously considered moving away from Wichita... but I am torn. This is my home. Place of birth. So many people, good people, have left.... I do not wish to be a quitter, yet I do not wish to be the last genuine person left in a city of demons, etc. This is my home... why couldnt the rotten leave instead of the good people? Also, I grew up here, I am familiar here... the city is a piece of me...

then again, growing up here hasnt been all that great... living here means being close to the family I really do not like, being a part of a scene that makes me disgusted, and being worried about the future of this city...

I want to do what I can to make this city a great place, but I also have to do what is best for me as a person... and this city just seems to (has been) bring(ing) out the worst in me...

Maybe it is time to leave...and maybe this really isnt a moment of clarity...

but not just yet... there's still fight in me, still breath that is left inside...

"...like wanting to put a bullet in every panda that wouldnt screw to save its own species..."